Thursday, January 1, 2009

happy new year

new years resolutions are kind of a funny thing. apparently you love them or think they are ridiculous. i've had my years of having only 1 resolution and i've had my years of choosing 27. i'm not sure i've ever kept one. i don't remember. but a new year is one of those "moment in time" days that make me think about the past and the future, hopes and disappointments, who i am and who i want to be.

i found some old prayer journals last night. i'm really terrible at keeping any kind of journal (thus the 2 month blogging break?) but from reading my journals i tend to write in them during important times in my life - my first trip to belize, right before i chose a grad school, during a breakup, my first medical mission,... (really funny to see how my handwriting has changed - oh how i miss the i's dotted with a circle) but besides my handwriting, my faith has changed too. and i don't know that it has all changed for the better. as i've become more mature and independent in life, i wonder if i've become less dependent on God? my faith was so pure and real and humble in those journals. i've really struggled with developing my faith as a married, full-time job holding, grown woman. i no longer have kojie prayer groups and summer camp and retreats and roommates up til 3 discussing life with me. but that's not what my faith is in, so how do you make that transition? (jesse has talked about this too - i would love any comments /suggestions on this)

so, i have my list of resolutions (get back to wedding day weight, finish my next half-marathon in 2:30, read the bible all the way through, blogging more, learn to sew, be a better wife, vacuum every day, stop drinking starbucks...) - all good things. but what i really want to do is just that - DO. i want to be purposeful in my words and actions and time management. i want to put into action what i learned from camps and prayer groups and serve/teach whoever God puts in my life, i want to stop complaining and live joyfully. basically, i want to quit talking about everything i want to change and just do it already.

so this may seem really pathetically jumbled and you will either think i have a million resolutions or can't figure out what it is and that's ok. i'm not sure either. i don't have a plan and obviously can't put it into words or i wouldn't be rambling like this... maybe it's a feeling - a combination of excitement and "fed up with the way i've been doing this life thing" feeling... but here are some verses and quotes that i found while trying to say what i'm thinking.

act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with God (micah 6:8)

nobody can go back and start a new beginning but anyone can start today and make a new ending

"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing."
Walt Disney

if you always do things the way you've always done them , you are guaranteed to get the same results -nick saban

be the change you wish to see in the world - gandhi

I'm a part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I'm a disciple of His and I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.
My past is redeemed. My present makes sense. My future is secure. I'm done and finished with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap living, and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, or first, or tops, or recognized, or praised, or rewarded. I live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by Holy Spirit power.
My pace is set. My gait is fast. My goal is heaven. My road may be narrow, my way rough, my companions few, but my guide is reliable and my mission is clear.
I will not be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed.
I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice or hesitate in the presence of the adversary. I will not negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
I won't give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and preached up for the cause of Christ.
I am a disciple of Jesus I must give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes. And when He does come for His own, He'll have no problems recognizing me. My colors will be clear!

i look back on 2008 and am so thankful for my husband, my family, my house, my job, my friends, grace, love,... but i can't tell you any change i've made or activity i've done that i am proud of or want to make sure i do again. how sad is that? this time next year i hope i have new friends, new service areas, a better understanding of how amazing God is... some reminder of how big He is and how small I am... something significant, not from me but that comes from allowing Him to be big ...

Happy 2009! thanks for letting me ramble...